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Episode 69/Transcript
Mackenzie: (runs up to Brittnay) Oh Jesus! Brittnay, thank God! I was so worried something terrible had happened. I mean those guys and I thought you were in danger, but you're here! So everything's okay. Oh my god, okay! Ooh, what a relief! Shay: (lunges at Mackenzie and starts beating her up) You fucking motherfucker I will fucking kill you, you son of a fucking cunt! I'll rip the rest of your fucking hair out you goddamn bitch! Brittnay: (pulls Shay off) Shay! Fucking cool off. Jesus. Go stand over there. Saison: C'mon Shay, let's go find my baby. (they leave) Brittnay: You really outdid yourself this time, Mackenzie. You really went for it, didn't you? Mackenzie: Brittnay, I— Brittnay: Shut up Mackenzie! Just shut the fuck up! I am so tired of hearing your voice. Everyone is tired of hearing your voice. And after tonight, nobody's gonna have to hear it ever again. So enjoy your last few minutes of relevance, bitch! Mackenzie: Britt listen— Brittnay: You know what I learned today? I'm better than you! I took everything you could throw at me and guess what? I'm still here, bitch! And now, I think it's time for me to end this little game. So lube up Mackenzie, 'cuz you're about to get buttfucked real good! Mackenzie: Look Brittnay, I tried to make things right from day one. You're the one that kept pushing it. You're the one who kept refusing my apologies. You're the one that joined up with Shay Van Buren and you're the one who won't stop until everything we worked so hard for is completely destroyed. Face it, Brittnay you don't know when to stop. This isn't gonna end until someone is completely obliterated. Brittnay: You've got that right, Mackenzie. But don't worry. That somebody, it's not gonna be me. (leaves) Mackenzie: Goddammit. (taken away by someone) (meanwhile) Shaw: What do you mean they don't want you to hang out with me? Than: Yeah they said you're a bad influence. Shaw: You're goddamn right I'm a bad influence. That's why I'm so fucking cool, bro. Than: I know you're the coolest. I tried to tell them that— Shaw: Nah, nah, bro you're the coolest. People just don't get us because we don't play by their rules, man. Than: Oh Jesus don't get me started on that. It's like when we're hanging out, I just feel like, I feel like Than, you know! I feel like me. Shaw: You are you bro! Than: I know, right! Those other guys, they all want me to be like something else— Shaw: Like a bitch? Than: Like a bitch! Shaw: Like a fucking bitch? Than: Like a fucking bitch! Shaw: Hey man, can I break it down on the real with you for a sec— Than: Of course, man, you can always break it down on the real with me. We promised each other that. Shaw: You need to be Than, homie. Than: I do need to be Than! Shaw: You need to be fuckin Than bro. Than: It's like, you know sometimes I miss the old days you know? Did everyone hate me? Yes. But at least I didn't have this goddamn shirt rubbing all over my fucking nipples. Shaw: Hell yeah, that shirt's covering up those sweet fucking pecs you got going on bro. Than: Yeah, I do have sweet pecs. You know, those guys never give me any compliments about my sweet bod! Shaw: That's probably cuz they're fucking homophobes, bro. Not me, I'm a straight dude who's got no problem fucking letting his buddy know that he's swole as fuck and looking good. Than: Thanks man! You've got great pecs too! Wish I had the calves like yours! Shaw: Aw please bro, if I had your bi's, I'd be in fuckin heaven! Than: Says the king of the quad game over here! (meanwhile) Deandra: Jenna! How much longer until I go on?! Jesus! I haven't eaten yet and Pizza Street closes at one! Jenna Dapananian: Uh, Deandra you've been eating food in the greenroom all night. Deandra: That wasn't eating, that was snacking! I don't consider anything a meal unless it includes the words "all you can eat", "bottomless", or "endless". Jenna Dapananian: Okay, okay Deandra baby it's okay. Can we move a little faster on the set up crew? (the sign behind Rachel and Judith reads "Deandra and two pieces of shit", they are actually dressed as shit) Rachel: (beat) Alright, that's it. I'm out. Judith: Me too. Rachel: These new costumes are ridiculous. Jenna Dapananian: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey guys, what's the issue here? Judith: We can take a lot of things, okay! Rachel: I mean seriously, we've been through some shit. Judith: But we draw the line at dressing us up like poop. Deandra: What's the big deal? You guys dress like shit every day anyway. Oooohhhh! Jenna Dapananian: I'm sorry, what do you have an issue with? She's Deandra, you're Daft Poop. It only makes sense to dress you up like poop! Deandra: If you ask me, it sounds like somebody is gettin' a little case of the ol' big head. Rachel: Yeah, you! Deandra: What? The fuck makes you say that? Take her away! Take her away please, thank you. Judith: We're all a part of this group Deandra! Rachel: But you're treating it like it's a goddamn one woman show! Judith: We contribute just as much as you do! Rachel: If not more! Judith: It was our mixing that turned your bathroom shit solo into a hit! This was supposed to be fun. Rachel: But it's not fun anymore. Judith: Hasn't been for a long time. Rachel: You guys turned it into something ugly. Judith: And we're tired of being treated like shit! (Deandra and Jenna Dapananian laugh) Judith: Yeah, I heard it the second I said it. Deandra: Well, if that's how you feel, then go! Who the fuck needs you anyway? Judith: You do! Rachel: Without us, you sound like fucking garbage. Deandra: Ugh! Oh! Jenna, you gonna let them talk to me like that? Jenna Dapananian: No! She is Deandra, she is America's Sweetheart, she's the girl in the next stall, and you can not speak to her like that. I'd like the two of you to leave now. Judith: Oh good, we'd like to leave now. Rachel: Best of luck in all your future endeavors! Judith: Uh hey Jenna, it also seems like you might have a pretty big drug problem. Rachel: You might want to seek some help. Jenna Dapananian: Out! Ugh, I am so sorry about that! I'll get on the line right now, I'll have a new band out here in five minutes for you. Deandra: No, no. I don't need a band. I don't need anything. I'll show them! I'll sing acapella. Tonight, I'm gonna treat the world to... Deandra... Unplugged! (back at the party) Tristan: Oh my God bitch, can I just tell you, you were gorg before, but all decked out in black and leather, amazing! Brittnay: Oh please Tristee, look at you! Somebody's planning on getting his D wet tonight! Tristan: Uh, yes please! (Tristan and Brittnay laugh) Tristan: Okay, so I have something to confess. You see how there's three pieces of cake missing from the cake table? All me! Birttnay: Ugh, Tristee, you are so bad! Tristan: I know right? (giggles) Brittnay: Okay, okay, my turn! Earlier before I got here, I killed four men. Tristan: (beat) Ooooohhhh! Girl you are so bad! Brittnay: Whoopsie! Tristan: We need some more jello shots for this bad girl! Don't move! Tanner! (Brittnay is pulled away)